Your Baby Sister Holland Had Surgery for Ear Tubes

Dearest Cal,

I meant to write yesterday, but by the end of the evening I was so very emotionally and physically tired.  Daddy and I had to get up at 4:45 in the morning to get your baby sister to the childrens' surgery center to have tubes put in her ears.

I guess I really did not realize how something so simple as ear tube surgery could jostle me so much emotionally.  In my mind, I knew that the procedure for the ear tube placement was very minor and the risks were low, but for the mommy in me it was very difficult to watch the nurse take Holland from my arms and disappear behind the swinging doors that led to the operating room.


How many times did I watch you disappear behind those doors?  Too many.  I remember when you had your tonsils and adenoids removed at 2 years of age.  Again, the surgery to do this is relatively minor and it is done on a very routine basis. But it was this surgery that sticks out in my memories as the "beginning of the end" for you. 

Holland's surgery yesterday made me think of all the tests and procedures I allowed to be done to you. It made me question whether or not the decisions I made for you were the right ones. Well, let me rephrase that... Holland's surgery made me question my decisions with you again.  Which I have done over and over and over.  It's just that this time was different because Holland was involved this time and I did not want to make the same mistakes with her that I often felt I made with you.

Each and everytime I had to surrender you to the arms of a nurse or watch you wheeled away on a bed into some other procedure or test, I felt so helpless.  I could not go with you and I could only pray that those to whom I entrusted your life to would take as good of care of you as I did. 

I also worried about whether or not you realized what was going on and if you were scared.  I was angry at myself for not being able to protect you from the fear  and the pain I knew you were experiencing.  What kind of mother was I if I could not protect you.  Cal, please know that if I could have prevented you from having to go through that, I would have.  Were you ever angry with me?  Did you think that I did not care for you or love you when I gave you up to those you were scared of?
 
Cal, I would have given anything for you not to have had to go through what you did.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel guilty for it. Did I make the right decisions?  Did I take you to the right doctors?  Did I act fast enough or fight hard enough?  Baby, I was only doing what I thought was best for you.  I wanted so badly for the doctors to find out what was wrong so that we could figure out how to fight it together and make you well...to save your life.

Sometimes I feel that was the wrong thing to do, that I should have just let you be and spare you from all the testing, the therapies and doctor's visits, etc.  But then again, how could I have let this still unknown disease take you without a fight.  I felt that if I figured out what was going on, I could protect you better. I couldn't just do nothing.  I had to fight - fight for you.  I had to be your mother, your champion.

But that battle I waged with this unknown disease was ultimately fought at your expense,  wasn't it baby?  In the end you ended up being the one who paid for it with your life.  You were the casualty of war and I left the battle field with my life, albeit I am still a prisoner of our war.

If I had to do it over again, would I do it the same way?  I can't say.  I can't live in the past and wonder what if?  All I can do is move forward and use my experience with you to guide the decisions I make on behalf of your sisters.  I am a lot smarter now than I was then.  Everything with you was trial and error.  I know that I won't be perfect for your sisters.  I can only do my best.

Anyway, Holland made it through the surgery without any problems.  When the nurse put her back in my arms, I hugged her tight and thanked God for watching over her and for keeping me sane.  ha ha.  I also have to say that your daddy does a great job of keeping me grounded.  Every time something happens with your sisters that involves their health, he keeps the rope around my ankle to keep me from going into orbit.  I could not do it without him.

Well, I have to get back to work.  I love you!

Love,

Mommy

My First Letter

Dearest Baby Boy,

It has been 2 years, 9 months and 3 days since your last day with us, but who's counting.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not long to hear your voice and hold you in my arms. You are always on my mind.  You know that because I silently talk to you every night before I go to bed.  This little practice helps me deal with the realization that I am ending another day without you.

Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that you passed and then there are days when it seems like forever.  There is a little part of me that is still in denial abou the whole thing.  To that part of me, you are just "away" somewhere and you will eventually be back. Crazy huh? You and I both know that is not going to happen.  Those little lapses of reality are short lived and serve only to give me a brief moment of reprieve from my constant longing and pain that your absence has left me with.

Don't worry baby, I do not blame you for the pain and longing.  They are testiments to the great little boy you were while you were here.  I feel blessed to have been chosen by you to be your mom.  No mother could have asked for a better little boy.  You and I had a bond that I can't explain in words because there are none.  You gave me such joy and provided me with countless hours of laughter and amazement.  In the short time that you were with me, you opened my eyes to what it is like to have a child with special needs.  You taught me to not take for granted that you were born with ten fingers and ten toes and to love unconditionally and without reserve.  You taught me what it is like to be strong.  There were so many days that I told myself, "if Cal can bear it, so can I".  You are my inspiration and you are the reason that I hug and kiss Emily and Holland as often as I can telling them how much they mean to me.

Oh, well.  Just writing this short note has been both hard, rewarding and healing.  I hope that through my letters to you - there will be more - I can help another mom who is going through the same thing as I did by putting into words what she cannot or is not able to.

Well baby, that is all for now.  Remember that mommy loves you and misses you dearly.  You are my inspiration and my strength.

I love you.

Mommy