My First Letter

Dearest Baby Boy,

It has been 2 years, 9 months and 3 days since your last day with us, but who's counting.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not long to hear your voice and hold you in my arms. You are always on my mind.  You know that because I silently talk to you every night before I go to bed.  This little practice helps me deal with the realization that I am ending another day without you.

Sometimes it seems like just yesterday that you passed and then there are days when it seems like forever.  There is a little part of me that is still in denial abou the whole thing.  To that part of me, you are just "away" somewhere and you will eventually be back. Crazy huh? You and I both know that is not going to happen.  Those little lapses of reality are short lived and serve only to give me a brief moment of reprieve from my constant longing and pain that your absence has left me with.

Don't worry baby, I do not blame you for the pain and longing.  They are testiments to the great little boy you were while you were here.  I feel blessed to have been chosen by you to be your mom.  No mother could have asked for a better little boy.  You and I had a bond that I can't explain in words because there are none.  You gave me such joy and provided me with countless hours of laughter and amazement.  In the short time that you were with me, you opened my eyes to what it is like to have a child with special needs.  You taught me to not take for granted that you were born with ten fingers and ten toes and to love unconditionally and without reserve.  You taught me what it is like to be strong.  There were so many days that I told myself, "if Cal can bear it, so can I".  You are my inspiration and you are the reason that I hug and kiss Emily and Holland as often as I can telling them how much they mean to me.

Oh, well.  Just writing this short note has been both hard, rewarding and healing.  I hope that through my letters to you - there will be more - I can help another mom who is going through the same thing as I did by putting into words what she cannot or is not able to.

Well baby, that is all for now.  Remember that mommy loves you and misses you dearly.  You are my inspiration and my strength.

I love you.

Mommy